3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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