Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
