I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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