K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
