I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
