I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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