I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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