new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
