I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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