my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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