I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
