I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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