A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
