Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
