I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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