His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
