I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
