The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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