He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
