we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
