I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
