i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
a search helicopter?!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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