oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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