Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
