I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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