We won't sleep together?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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