yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
