Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
