She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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