I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
