Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
