All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
