The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
