I will die if light touches me.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
