We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
