"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
