the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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