I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
