You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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