yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize