yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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