I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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