you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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