Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
