Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
