I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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