please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
