I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
