Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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