I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
