New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
