I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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