Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
