I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
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