just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
