This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I want a musical about memes.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
