Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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