Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
