Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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