so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
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