can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
